Rebuilding after Burnout
IC: “I really need less meetings”
Mgr: “Okay, we can work on that. I think it would be helpful if we met every morning for 15 minutes, like a stand up?
IC: “I really… really need less meetings.”
Mgr: “I just feel like it would really help me a lot though”
IC: “…okay, I’m going to go back to work now. Thanks.” *end Zoom Meeting*
To management, it was a harmless request. They wanted to meet with me every morning to “check-in”. For me, the additional load on top of the weight I was already carrying was crushing. I wanted to say it was the long hours, I wanted to say it was pinging my coworkers after hours to review PRs, I wanted to say it was more than this. But it was all of it; it was everything. This was the last straw that led to me sending my resignation.
I wanted nothing more than to be like the other engineers around me on the team. They worked on weekends, late nights, but were still high performers. Their work seemed flawless compared to my bug ridden messes. No matter how hard I tried, I could never achieve their diligence. When did they make time to cook dinner for their family? When did they make time to walk their three dogs, or do chores around the house? Was this yet another sign of the patriarchy taking a toll on my career — did their wives take care of these duties for them? I’ll never find the answer, and that’s probably for the best.
I let go of my job, the fact that it was over. But, I was still trying to move this boulder made of stress, responsibilities, hobbies. This boulder is made from me, and of me. It has pieces of my identity and personality, but also has anxiety and judgement. I would push, pull, pound, and scream at the boulder, but I couldn’t get it to budge. No matter what was going on, I have always been able to move the boulder. The feeling of it being stuck was shattering.
Business man in suit pushing boulder up hill, poorly photoshopped
Luckily, I was able to take some time off of work. During this time, the boulder was still there but I just stopped trying to push it. In the first month, I sat on the couch, spent $36 on a couple seasons of Bridezillas, and let my brain devour bad TV. I was carrying, physically, ten pounds of stress that shed during this time. I started being interested in eco-minimalism, in cooking, and reading again. These interests had been covered by a blanket of stress — the stress from overwork, the stress of comparison, the stress of self-loathing.
The second month I started examining my boulder. In it were some really shiny and pretty pieces that I wanted to keep like meditation, triathlon training, and being a dog mom. The self-loathing, desire to be a 10x engineer and comparing myself to others could be thrown in a lake. I also went on a hunt for new pebbles I wanted to keep. I tried cold showers for a month, journaling, cutting out most inflammatory foods (sugar, alcohol, dairy, etc), and drawing. Some of these were revolutionary, like cutting out inflammatory foods completely cleared my acne. Some of them I realized I’m kind of shit at, like drawing.
business man holding some rocks in his hand, laughing at them because they told funny joke
I looked up for cures for burnout after I quit, trying to figure out how I could get back to “normal” as soon as possible. This time has shown me there is no cure for burnout, and there is no back to normal. There is time to mourn who you were — a processing phase. For me I sat on the couch and tried to reflect on all the stressful situations I’ve been in, as well as processing that stress.
Then there is a rebuilding phase, building your new normal. It’ll never be like the last normal. You have to accept that the dream of living in Austin, TX with your dogs, owning your home, and a wicked WRX is over.
The dream of working with the coolest team of people building a service mesh, just being engineers and learning, happened. But now you have to let go so the next great thing, the next best day, can happen.
“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good ol’ days before you’ve left them” quote from The Office